How To Ruin The Perfect Date In Five Easy Steps A.K.A Starbucks Jackass.

How To Ruin The Perfect Date In Five Easy Steps A.K.A Starbucks Jackass.

“David! You need to stop calling me. I tried to be nice, but you are clearly not getting it. I DO NOT WANT TO DATE YOU. You are too intense!” Amy said angrily.

“But…Wait…You don’t understand” I stammered back, but it was too late. She had hung up. I held the phone in my hand in disbelief. A well of emotions surged in me shame, anger, and embarrassment. How did I wind up in this situation? Well, for that we would need to turn back the clock about two weeks prior to that angry phone call...
                                          

The following is a tale of caution and stupidity. The names have been changed to protect me from being cornered in a dark alley by an angry chunky girl. If you suffer from a spit reflex, please put your beverages down before we begin. If you suffer from a heart condition…then that must suck, I feel sorry for you.

My road to discovering the perfect method for ruining a date started out innocently enough. As I checked my e-mail for the day; between the many e-mails promising me a bigger member and the personal e-mail of the prince of Nigeria. Laid an e-mail from Okcupid. “Today’s Quiver Matches! Our Staff Robot Thinks You’ll Like Them!!” Intrigued by the possibility of a terminator choosing my mate. I opened the e-mail. I was immediately struck in the head with a digital arrow of love. There in the e-mail was a girl who could have been my twin. We both loved comic books, science fiction movies, obsessed over terrible TV (like Cop Rock), and we were both Doctor Who fans. This girl was my soul mate!

Step One - Tell Them How Perfect You Are Together

The groundwork for truly screwing your chances with the perfect girl start before the date even begins. This is the preview portion of the date where you are vetted. You have to be careful because you want to raise some flags but not raise a banner that says “I am desperate please marry me.”  You have to fly just bellow the freak line, but just high enough to raise some concerns. Not scare her right off the bat. If you follow the first rule, then we guarantee that you will pass the pre screening with flying colors.
Her name was Amy, and she was every bit the geek I had dreamed of. She had Star Wars & Trek figures in her room, she would quote Josh Whedon at length, and she even hosted a Doctor Who event at local bars. I had hit the mother load of geekdom. It's quite rare that I find someone who rivals my geekness. I mean I have a ThunderCats sword for Christ’s sake! Yet the nerdom was strong in this one. After a few messages we quickly began to speak on the phone and plan our date. I was excited, so excited that I had to tell her, I liked her every five minutes.

“You know I dig you right?” I said enthusiastically

“Yeah, sure your great” She replied quite clueless of the disaster heading her way.

We decided to get to know each other at the local Starbucks near her job. I arrived 40 minutes early and began to down espressos, which in hindsight was a mistake. My nerves became amplified, and I was jittery. I think, the closest thing I can describe the way I looked would be a humming bird on crack. As soon as she walked in, I pounced.

“HEY!” I yelled, the patrons of the Starbucks quickly looked at me, shrugged and went back to writing their screenplays.

“Uh, hi” she said quite startled.

“Oh my God! You are so beautiful!” I said excitedly.

“Uh, thank you” She said as the sinking feeling was starting to set in.

We sat down and began to talk. Well she talked, I mostly smiled and stared. She told me about her job at Best Buy, about her roommate, and about her x who had dumped her after 3 years. Because, he did not see her as a long term option.

“I wouldn’t dump you! You're perfect!” I said my eyes getting bigger with wonder and caffeine.

“Um, thanks?” She said as her smile was beginning to fade rapidly.

Step Two - Get Physical Fast

Now, you may be tempted to be a gentleman and respect a woman’s personal space or wait for the appropriate moment to get physical. Balderdash! You are the tiger, and she is the gazelle! You must quickly attack and catch them off guard. Being a close talker, holding her hand and maybe even going in for a kiss. All these are perfect options to strike terror in a woman. Escalating the physical aspect of your date as fast as possible with no regard for the woman’s comfort; is essential in ruining the possibility of romance between you.

I took her hand, and she stared at it as if a snake had just slithered on to the table. I could tell that she had stopped listening to me to observe this. Still, I did not remove the hand. In my mind the reward out weighed the risk. I needed her to see me as more than a friend. To do that I needed to be physical. At least that is the rationality of my actions at the time. In reality I was insecure of how she felt for me. I had felt a void coming from her and out of fear took the second step far too soon. Had I just trusted myself maybe things would not have derailed so badly.

Step Three - Compliment Them…A LOT

A blunder many people make in trying to ruin a date is to not compliment. This is a mistake because it can be seen as being hard to get. Over complimenting is truly the best strategy. The more often the better, if you can throw in a silent creepy moment after the compliment then you are golden!

“Gosh you are perfect” I said with my foot tapping rapidly on the ground.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU IDIOT?” my inner voice cried

“Thanks” she said meekly

“I cant believe you're single! You are just phenomenal” I said with a wide smile and wider eyes.

“STOP IT YOU JACKASS! YOU’RE FUCKING IT UP!” My inner voice shrieked. It was as if my rational mind had left my body, and I was watching myself speak with no filter whatsoever.

“Yeah….ok” She said glancing at the door.

Somehow, we wound up speaking about something other than how much I was attracted to her. It turned out we had more in common following the same comedians. Even having the same philosophies about the art of comedy. It was a very stimulating conversation.

Of course, I had to destroy it.

Step Four - Kiss Them When They Clearly Do Not Want To

Ah, the kiss, if done right on the first date it can be a memorable romantic memory you both shall have for the rest of your lives. But, in order to avoid this and make it a memory you both shall regret, for  eternity certain guidelines must be met. First you have to pick the worst time to do it. Examples include five minutes after saying hello, as she is picking spinach out of her teeth or my personal favorite in front of her parents; whom you have just met.

“Can I ask a request from you?” I said with a shy grin.

“PLEASE DON’T DO THIS!” My inner voice begged.

“Sure” she said innocently

“Can I kiss you?” I blurted out.

“OH MY GOD! YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!” My inner voice cried out, as if a million voices had cried out in terror.

“What?” She said surprised.

“I really want to kiss you, you are so cute” I rambled.

“OH GOD! THIS IS SO FUCKED!” My inner voice said pounding its metaphorical head against the metaphorical wall.

“Oh…okay” she said sweetly

We pecked. The kiss itself left no impression on her face. I could have been kissing a statue in central park for all I knew. I knew at this point I had passed the point of no return. I had set any chance of redeeming this date ablaze. Frankly, I had poured 20 gallons of gasoline on it, lit it on fire, and thrown a grenade on it for proper measure.

I went through the motions for the rest of the date. We had dessert, and I walked her to the subway. As we waited for our respected trains, she established the soft rejection.

“Yeah, I think I’m going to take a break from dating. After my recent break up, I’m just not ready.” she said looking at the ground.

“That’s cool, I think you are awesome! Even if, we are just friends” I said earnestly.

“Sure” She said and we made plans for the following week to see a movie.

As the train doors opened, I sealed my fate when I impulsively gave her a quick peck goodbye on the lips. The last I saw of her was a shocked look on her face as the doors closed and the train pulled away from the station. I was oblivious to what had just occurred. In my delusional mind, I believed that this horrible date could have been overcome. That I would have another geeky friend to spend time with.

My inner voice had hung itself.

Step Five - Call, Email, & Text Until You Get A Response

Post date you need to ensure that you have successfully scared away your date. After all you could be dealing with a pesky do-gooder who gives you the benefit of the doubt. You know who I am talking about, those people who are polite and are willing to look past your flaws to see the good qualities you possess. This is why you need to barrage them with all forms of communications. You must get an answer! Let your insecurities run wild! Use these marvelous forms of communications and you will ensure that your date is fully ruined!

It's funny how your mind works. This is not my first rodeo. I had done this many times before. but, how can I explain what possessed me to do what I did next? Maybe deep down I have some kind of self destructive streak or maybe its just that I did not want to lose. I called first,  and she actually responded! I know, I was surprised as well. But she was quite positive to the possibility of meeting up. Looking back though, this was just phantom hope. Because it wound up being a stalling tactic. Maybe she thought I would eventually get a clue. But I am David, I am the king of self delusions (I have the crown to prove it) and I was not ready to give up. So I Texted and when she didn’t respond I e-mailed. Then I called again…and again…and again. Which brings us back to the beginning of this post.

You know, believe it or not I am not stupid. But, I am my worst enemy. I bought into the hype. I fell for the oldest myth in the world. That “the one” exists. I believed it so hard, that I drove a poor woman out of her friggin mind. There is this movie called Seven Girlfriend starring Tim Daily. He plays some schmuck who has a meltdown and decides to visit all his seven x-girlfriends. In order find out why it did not work out. Why they were not his true love. There is this great line where a girl tells him “There is no "the one". There are just people you are good with and people you are not. You meet someone who is good and you make it work.”

That is something to take to heart. Since we are children, we are fed this fairytale that there is one person who was made for you. But like Santa, its all a bunch of bullshit. Yet we hold on to it, we write books, sing songs and make movies about this myth. We drive ourselves so crazy trying to find our soul mates; that we wind up in Starbucks making an ass out of ourselves. So if you let go of the dream, then maybe you honestly will start moving forward to a healthy love life. After all, we all have to grow up sometimes.