Cheesecake & The Pick Up Artist Part Six

I walked into the midtown apartment knowing that tonight would be my night. It had been months since I had lost my job and I was still unemployed. Looking for a job was difficult when you were now a full time pick up artist. Well at least I was trying to be a pick up artist. The reality was that even though I was going out seven nights a week, I had yet to make any real progress.

But as Frankie D had advised me, this was the road I had chosen and it would not be easy. So what if I was blowing through my savings. So what if I was beginning to ask my parents for loans. It would all be worth it once I succeeded.

It was New Years Eve and this time things were different. I was no longer at home eating Doritos and trolling OkCupid profiles. Now I was in a wild New Years Eve party being thrown by complete strangers. I was surrounded by beautiful Manhattanites drinking and dancing. I knew this would be the night when I got my New Years Eve kiss. I knew this was the night I would stop being a looser.


I met my friends Jack and Jill at the bar. Jack was an in shape Asian twenty five year old teacher from Queens. Jill was an old coworker whom I had corralled into being my wingman. It didn’t take much to convince Jill to help me. The promise of an open bar was enough to convince her of almost anything. Jill took a gulp of her alcoholic concoction. Her long straight black hair did not cover her hazel eyes and her cute dimples. I must admit that when I first met Jill I had a crush on her but as we got to know one another a brother and sister relationship soon developed. We quickly scanned the room and saw many potential targets. I locked onto a cute Asian girl leaning against the wall by herself.

I struck up a conversation with her and Jill soon joined us. As the discussion continued it became apparent to me that I was making real progress in getting that New Years Eve kiss. I excused myself for a moment to refresh my drink and when I came back I found another man had taken my place. As I approached he took notice of me and sensed that I had marked this territory as my own. He quickly left and I focused on my target when I felt a punch to the back of the head.

“What the fuck?!” I exclaimed as I turned to see an angry Jill staring me down.

“She liked him! You ruined it for her!” Jill drunkenly slurred. She then took a shocked Asian girl and brought her to the man who had just left us. She put her hand in his and loudly exclaimed “She likes you!”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I yelled at Jill.

“She’s my friend” Jill slurred back.

“Mother fucker I am your friend!” I pointed out to her as I stormed off.

As midnight loomed I began to get more and more desperate. I approached more and more women and was rejected more and more. Finally, as the count down began to go into a panic when suddenly out of the ether she appeared. She was a redhead covered in freckles. She wore a flowered dress and black boots. I was amazed as she approached me. I got barely a hello out when she grabbed me and began to kiss me.

It was the worst kiss I have ever had in my life.

It tasted like cigarettes and beer mixed together with spit. I gagged when she released me. At which point she burped in my face. I couldn’t believe it, this was my New Years Eve kiss. I had just been mouth raped by a slob. I hated every minute of it.

Of course, I had to get her number.


I took out my phone at which point she took it out of my hand. Then placed it back in my pocket, looked me in the eye and just said “No." And just like that, she was gone. I never did learn her name or anything else about her. But I will never forget her because, at my lowest, I learned that there are always people that show you that you can just go lower.