Chillis Baby Back Ribs & The Worst Date Of My Life

“So how long do you think it will be before we get married?” she said as she began to flip through the radio stations.

“What?!” I shrieked as I tried not to veer off the road by the surprise of the question.

“Well I’ll be thirty in three years, and I want to have a baby before I turn thirty. I figure we can date for a year and then get married. Once we are moved in we can enjoy our time together for about a year before you give me a baby. What do you think?” She replied casually as she finally settled on the easy listening station. An Air Supply fan, I figured as much.

“Um…I suppose that sounds like a plan” I said weakly. I felt a cold chill go up my spine and felt rather light headed. I am pretty sure that at twenty three, I was in no danger of getting a heart attack, but my heart was racing. How did I wind up on the worst first date I had ever been on. Well as strange as it sounded it was all the result of just trying to find a job.



My father had gotten fed up with watching me trying to organize my comic book collection and constantly ask him for gas money. As a result, I found myself in an employment agency. I had roped my best friend Charlie to join me. While we were waiting to be interviewed, we both struck up a conversation with a brother and sister who were also tired of being broke. By some miracle, I had wound up getting her number. Her name was Sandra, and she was a recent transplant from Brooklyn, New York. An aspiring singer, Sandra had decided to leave New York to take a break from the fast paced life of the big apple. We set a date for the following Saturday for dinner and a movie.

At first the date began well, almost humdrum. We saw a film and had dinner. We spoke about general first date subjects. It wasn’t until we got into my car that the first red flags began to go up. I think it was normal to assume that, after dinner, the date would be over but, that would not be the case. As soon as she got in my car she perked up and insisted that we go to the docks to watch the waves come in. We did and wound up making out a little. So that’s it right? Date over? No, because she suddenly wanted to visit Charlie just to say hello and catch up. Suddenly there I was in my friends living room with a confused Charlie making small talk with a girl he met for fifteen minutes. I am sure the one thing he wanted to ask was "why the fuck are you in my house?" Thankfully he did not get to ask that question because I quickly made goodbyes and walked her to my car.

“So I guess I better take you home now” I said as we got in my car.

“Aw do we have to? I am having so much fun” She whined, her voice was beginning to grate on me. She had a nasal high pitched tone, that at first was not a big deal but as the date began to deteriorate it quickly climbed the list of the most annoying sounds I found. It was right beneath the squeaky sound shoes make when you press a wet brake pedal on a car. It was however, above the sound of someone sucking on barbeque ribs.

“Yeah its getting late and I need to run some errands tomorrow” I replied wondering if I should have left a goodbye note for my parents at Charlie’s house.

“Okay, but there’s a problem” she said.

“What?” I replied feeling a sinking feeling in my stomach.

“I don’t know where I live” she replied nonchalantly.

It turns out Sandra had never made an effort to memorize the way back to her mothers from pretty much anywhere. Her brother or mother usually drove her everywhere. So since, she didn’t have her own transportation, she never felt the need to remember how to go wherever. On top of this, mysteriously her mothers phone was not working and her brother had lost his cell phone. So there was no way to contact anyone for help. For a serial killer, Sandra would be the perfect victim, but for me, I felt like the other way around.

So there I was driving for over forty minutes, trying to find landmarks she remembered to jog her memory. Meanwhile, she began to drop bombshells of information of her life that she somehow forgot to mention in those phone conversations.

“I am so glad to be going out with a nice guy for once” She said with a glazed smile on her face.

“Well I am glad you think so” I said secretly cursing at myself for wandering into this situation.

“Yeah my last boyfriend was such a jerk. He was always coming around for sex and looking for money from me for drugs” She said looking out the window of my car.

“I’m sorry?” I said just chanting in my head please let it be pot.

“Yeah he was hooked on crack” She said.

Fuck me.

What do you say to that? Well my suggestion is to quickly change the subject by saying how much you love the crappy Air Supply song that was playing on the radio. From my experience, it seems to be the best choice.

“Oh I know where we are now” She said.

Oh thank you Jesus! I cried out in my head. The light at the end of the tunnel was near. This horrible date can finally be over, and the weirdness would stop. But Sandra had saved the best for last.

“I don’t want to go home” She said with a cold look on her face. In my mind, the robot from Lost in Space had suddenly appeared and began to scream DANGER! DANGER DAVID ARROYO!!!

“Why?” I said with the feeling of dread creeping over me.

“Because I hate my mother!” She screamed. Tears began to flow down her face, and the cliché of all clichés her mascara began to run.

“She was never there for me! Always out sleeping with men, leaving me to take care of my brother. I needed her in the hard times, and she just walked out on us any chance she got. Why couldn’t she just be our mother?!” She howled as she threw herself on my shoulder and began to grip me tightly.

“But now I have you, and I know you will always be there for me” she sighed.

Finally, we found her house. The robot in my head had long left once the tears began to flow, I cursed him for abandoning me. I managed to pry her off of me. I couldn’t believe that after years of wishing that I would have a woman throw herself at me, it was now something I dreaded.

“Will you call me tomorrow?” She said sweetly.

And I said the lie that we all say and hate ourselves for saying. The lie that had been told countless times over the centuries from when Ugh told Oook that he would visit her cave again. The lie that we all hate to have told to us, but that has now become a necessary evil in this world.

“Sure”